Too Late
by ConstanceMilyardy
Summary: Kozue explores her relationship with Miki, only to find tragedy. Incest, sex, and character death. Don't read it if it might offend you.


DISCLAIMER: This contains incest, sex and character death. If you are offended, do not read!

I do not (unfortunately) own Shoujo Kakumei Utena, nor do I own Too Late by No Doubt and Chop Suey by System of a Down. Lyrics are italicized for your reading enjoyment. I did write the story, so please give credit where credit's due. Thanks, happy reading!

TOO LATE

By Constance

It's too late now...

The ceiling had an interesting texture that I couldn't stop staring at while laying on my bed. Although, there really isn't anything else to stare at when one is laying down facing the ceiling. I had my eye on one particular bump, which seemed to raise above a cluster of bumps right above my head. The only reason I was staring at it was because it was right where my eye rested when laying down, and I stared at it every night when I couldn't sleep. But at this moment it was different. I had been staring at it so long it seemed to start moving, and twirling, and gathering the other bumps around it, dancing into a dull oblivion. I blinked my eyes, and their movements ceased. Nothing more than my imagination, or my bleary eyes.

Endless bumps, covering the entire span above me, seemingly in a random fashion. I wonder, did someone carefully craft the ceiling so that it had that texture? Or did it just happen by accident? Why am I still staring at these bumps? They don't entertain me by any means. But they did give me a moment's release from my own reeling mind.

I rolled over lazily. The broken frame was still on the floor, remnants of glass and metal, of a photograph....of two children with bright futures and love for only each other.

I hate that picture.

_I just want to take you away from everyone..._

It was the beginning of our freshman year. My brother, meek and mild mannered Miki, had been graciously appointed the chair of Student Council president. I silently cursed the previous president for bestowing such a responsibility upon him. Miki, of all people! It's not that I doubted his ability to handle his presidential duties; it was the members around him that would contaminate him.

..._and keep you stashed under my pillow._

Arisugawa, the Vice President, who secretly held the photo of a girl in her locket; Tsuwabuki, the Recorder, who brown-nosed his way into that Nanami girl's life as a man servant...and then there was Hozumi Mari, a flippy little prepubescent brat that flaunted her non-existent womanhood and threw herself all over Miki. But my brother was not like them at all, no. He was clean. He had no skeletons, nothing to hide and only honesty and kindness to offer.

_And then I'd take you out simply for my own pleasure..._

I wouldn't let them bring him down. He was mine, and he'd always be mine. I wouldn't let anyone hurt him, or change him...

..._and wear you when the occasion's special._

But most of all, I wouldn't let anyone have him. He was mine, and mine alone. Around that time I decided to join the Student Council. Miki was genuinely one of the sweetest boys on campus, and I wanted him to stay that way.

_Then I'd put you on like a diamond..._

Of course I can't deny the grandeur of being in the Student Council. Then again, I wasn't going in to help out the school. I was doing it to help my brother.

Even if he didn't know he needed it.

_...so I can sparkle and be the envy of my friends._

I still remember the look on his face when I walked through those balcony doors, to that much coveted meeting spot, grandly making my entrance and setting my stack of papers on the table. I remember even flipping my shoulder length lilac tresses, which now that I think back about it I probably only allowed it to grow out because Miki let his.

_I'd proudly hold the leash that I'd have you on..._

And what glee I felt, when they all stared at me! They knew why I was there: to claim my brother. Nobody would dare touch him under my icy watch.

..._so you can't stray and follow me around all day._

But it's too late now.

_Wake up.._

I stepped over the remains of the picture frame on the floor and stood in front of the mirror. What I saw scared me. A pale face, too thin to be my own. My eyes were grayed, only hinting at that icy blue color they used to be.

..._grab a brush and put on a little makeup._

No, it's not me. This...ghost of a girl, this thin and withered away being, pale and fragile, this can't be me...

_Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup._

My eyes searched the room. This is my room, this is me...this is my life..this isn't a dream...

My eyes fell upon a wand, one of those cheap plastic pregnancy tests.

_Why'd you leave the keys up on the table..._

I stumbled over to where the test lie. Blue. Positive. Still hard to swallow...and the words, they wouldn't come to me at the time...my own loudmouth betrayed me...I couldn't tell him, earlier that night, when I had gone to him...

_There you go creating another fable._

My eyes are searching. Searching for something, evidence that this is not my life.

They fall on the broken frame.

_You wanted to..._

Suddenly I'm on the floor.

_Grab a brush and put on a little makeup.._

..picking up those shards of glass in my hands...

..._you wanted to..._

...hot tears welling in my eyes, streaming down my face...

..._hide the scars to fade away the shake up..._

...squeezing the glass in my hands, crimson drops on the carpet...

..._you wanted to..._

...feeling the pain but being numb...

..._why'd you leave the keys up on the table?_

...sobbing louder and harder than I ever had...

_You wanted to._

I destroyed it.

_I don't think you trust in my self-righteous suicide._

I destroyed it with my own hands!!

_I cry...when angels deserve to die._

I destroyed everything I once held dear...and most of all, I destroyed him.

What a night it had been. It was one of those grand parties the Student Council always held, and me, not being able to hold my liquor, had just got done telling a bunch of people off. But the one I was most proud of was that floozy Mari. She threw herself all over Miki, giggling and leaning on him, leaving my poor brother to blush in the wake.

And when I saw her kiss his cheek, I lost it. I threw my champagne in her face, and pushed her to the ground. We clawed and kicked and pulled and hit until Miki scolded me and dragged me away, me stumbling over my own dress and Mari crying where I had left her.

_It's too late now..._

Miki helped me home, tucked me in bed real nice and tight. For old time's sake, he made me a milkshake. I sat up in bed and drank it, savoring each sweet sip. Miki smiled at me, his sweet, sincere smile, and patted me on the head.

_I don't think it can fade._

Maybe it was the booze, or just how incredibly good Miki looked in his suit and messy blue hair, but in an instant I pressing my body against his. I could feel his warmth, and his hot breath gently playing at my hair, and his trembling body from my touch.

"Kozue..." he said shakily.

_It's too real now._

I pressed my lips to his.

_Fulfillment just adds fuel to the blaze._

I took his shaky body into my arms, and he hesitantly obeyed. Miki, who was tender and impressionable, let me mold him and sculpt him to my will. I pushed him gently down in the bed, our lips still melded together, and began to hurriedly unbutton his dress shirt with my fingers.

_Compulsion has stained me..._

I trailed wet kisses down his neck, taking pleasure in his tiny gasps.

"Kozue, stop...please..." his voice was quiet, a whisper lost in the wind, and his hands found my waist and grasped them tightly. Almost like a security blanket. And I realized, I had been his security blanket.

His tie to a past long gone.

I didn't stop.

_I'm nervously cradling our young love_

His hands reached behind me and unzipped my dress, so that it fell off my chest and exposed my bare breasts.

My brother...mine...

..._without known limits love..._

My twin, my brother, my love, my everything...I was claiming him.

Finally, he would be mine.

_Like a butterfly cupped in my hands..._

We threw aside our dress suits, those unfeeling scraps of clothing...his heart beat against mine, my body pressed to his, melting together in a beautiful blend.

_...in my hands I peek in..._

I stole from him more longing kisses. I was ravenous, I was hungry..hungry for more..and it seemed that I could never kiss him deep enough, or feel his hot, sweet mouth close enough to my own.

..._to see beauty trapped..._

I let a skillful hand make its way from his flushed cheeks, down his chest and down even further...massaging him, until his silent gasps turned into tortured moans.

..._confined it flutters, then..._

I'm rubbing my bareness against him, taking pleasure in the slick wetness and motion we create. I've never been with a boy more

beautiful...his slender frame pinned under me, half pushing me away and half accepting my hungry kisses. I realize that this is the boy I've been meant for since I was born. I run my fingers through his hair, gasping at the pleasure sparking between us. Born as one, of the same flesh, and finally we will reunite in flesh and become one again.

_It leaves behind colorful dust..._

And suddenly he flips me over, pinning ME down in the bed, with a look in his eyes that sends a tingle down my spine. This is something I've never seen in him before. His eyes are like raging floods, hungrily devouring me, drinking me up. His hands are all over my body, claiming me as I had claimed him. He plants his kisses all over my chest, my cheeks, my neck, my lips.

..._to remind me of the special times we spent._

Then he's thrusting into me, not gentle like I was going to take him, but shoving into me, never having enough, wanting more and more and...I throw my arms around him, taking his scent in, his body, his soul.

_But, of course it has to leave my clutch..._

We held each other, and for the first time since that doomed piano recital I felt close to him. He was always my brother, but it was inexplicable that we had grown apart from childhood.

It had been my last, desperate attempt to keep him as my own.

..._but enough's never enough to make a dent._

Who'd have thought that just a short few months later I'd be sitting her staring at a crimson soaked carpet and hating you with every fiber of my being.

No, it's not him I hate.....

_Wake up, grab a brush and put on a little makeup..._

It's me.

_Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup._

Now the photo lays ripped in two halves, tainted with my bloody fingerprints.

_Why'd you leave the keys up on the table?_

Can't we just go back to the way we were when we were children: innocent, and bright eyed? Before I became a sinner, and turned you into one...?

_There you go, create another fable._

Ever since our childhood, Miki had never been able to recreate that melody he played for me in the sunlit garden. Maybe I was fooling myself, idolizing my brother and believing his music to be that of a prodigy, but memories can't be changed and that's how I remember it.

_It's too late now..._

On that particular sunny day, I was walking to my next class when I heard a drifting song. It was very faint over the voices of the students in the hallways, but I instantly recognized it. It sent my heart into a flurry.

_I don't think it can fade..._

My legs were running, my mind was racing. It was that beautiful melody that captured me in nostalgia and sent my head spinning. It was The Sunlit Garden.

My journey ended at the edge of the music room. Only Miki's skilled playing captured the essence of that song, and tears stung at my eyes when I realized...his song had regained that beauty from our days in the garden!

Breathlessly, I entered the room.

_It's too real now.._

Miki sat at the piano, the sunlight pouring in from the window outlining his elegant form, poised and perfect at the keys. I sighed, my heart fluttered.

Something moved out from behind the piano, a darkened shadow against the light. A woman's figure, or rather, that of a girl. As I examined it more closely, I saw that she was doing something....tucking in her shirt....adjusting her skirt...

Mari...

_Fullfillment just adds fuel to the blaze._

She leans over, puts her arms around my brother, and kisses him on the cheek. And she stops, still leaned over on him. I realize, through my shock, that she's looking directly at me....a sadistic smile gracing her lips.

Mari, that fucking tramp...that fucking, horrible, stupid btich! She was all over Miki! And she was SMILING at me! Had she known what she was destroying? That she was coming in between two siblings?

_Grab a brush and put on a little makeup..._

That's how I coped with it for at the time. By blaming it on Mari. She was an easy scapegoat.

_Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup._

But, the more I talked to Miki, the more I realized that it wasn't Mari's fault at all.

_Why'd you leave the keys up on the table?_

He hadn't acted any differently, up until that night...the night that I took away his innocence.

And it was then that I had realized I was "late." I picked up one of those take home pregnancy tests...believe you me, it wasn't the first time I had used one. When the wand changed to blue, I didn't know what to do. I don't know how long I cried, but through my tears I consoled myself, told myself that everything would be alright. Still, I had that sinking feeling that...nothing would go back. I had to go speak to Miki..We're flesh and blood. I...didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to believe his betrayal, that he and Mari...I found myself knocking at his door an hour later, with red and tired eyes.

_And in time..._

The door creaked open slowly...only a crack. In the hushed darkness of his room, I could discern Miki's face peering out.

..._it will end..._

"Miki..." My voice was not my own...choked, shaky, unsure.

Even in the darkness...it seemed that his eyes hardened.

"Miki, who is it?" a female voice asked from the dark behind him.

_And there really isn't hope for the two of us._

I stood at his threshold, speechless. I thought I had cried all the tears I could cry that night, but they pooled up and raced down my cheeks. I couldn't even mutter a good-bye, I turned swiftly and walked away.

_But right now..._

A sound that I didn't expect...the opening and closing of the door, hurried footsteps, a firm grasp on my wrist. He spun me around; to my dismay, he was only wearing pants.

..._I give in..._

Instead of his soft, kind face...it was cold, hard, unfriendly. Unfamiliar.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded.

I was unable to form a reply.

_It's too late now..._

There was something different in his eyes. Normally they were a soft, brilliant blue, but not that night. They looked familiar, but foreign to his face...dark, icy...

They were my eyes.

I averted my eyes, let them fall to the floor, to his barefeet. "Why is she here...?"

_I don't think it can fade..._

"It's normal to have your girlfriend to spend the night."

He sounded almost...hateful.

But my eyes shot back up. Without thinking, the words flew out of my mouth. "What about us?"

His eyes narrowed. "What about us?"

_It's too real now..._

This wasn't happening. He had strayed from my watchful eye, and was now...now...

"What's wrong with you!?" I cried, and threw myself on his bare chest. I wasn't thinking.

_Fulfillment just adds fuel to the blaze..._

He remained silent.

"That night meant something! I know you felt it too, Miki!" my voice kept rising, becoming more shrill with each frightened word uttered.

Still no reply.

I pounded his chest, but he didn't budge.

_Fullfillment just adds fuel to the..._

"Kozue, I think you should leave." An estranged voice that was not his own. Now his words only held bitterness and discontent.

I backed off of him. He couldn't look me in the eye.

"Miki, I'm..." I trailed off. I thought it would be so easy to share this intimate news with him, my brother, the person closest and dearest to me.

But now he seemed so distant. So far away, yet he stood right in front of me, eyes to the floor, emotionless.

A choked sob escaped my throat. I sounded like a wounded animal. But it sunk it, he didn't want me around. I nodded my head, and turned to leave.

_Fulfillment just adds fuel to the blaze._

And here I am now. Broken, shaken, hating myself and silently cursing the sins I caused.

_I don't think you trust in my self-righteous suicide_

Because it was me that took Miki's innocence. He was no longer that kind boy who smiled sweetly. I had given him that taste of sin, pushed him too far, changed him. He was now only an empty shell of his former self, a cold and bitter person.

Just like everyone else at this academy.

Just like me.

_I cry, when angels deserve to die._

I had dirtied myself so that Miki wouldn't have to dirty his hands, so that he could remain that pure boy forever.

But nothing lasts forever...

My shining light had now dimmed. He was all that mattered in the world. He had BEEN my world. And now his light had been stolen. By me. In my desperate attempt to keep him as mine, I had turned him to sin.

He was my world...he was my life...my reason to live...

And I had killed him.

_In my self-righteous suicide, I cry..._

Warmth gone cold, kindness turned to hatred, and I destroyed him with my own hands. My reason for living, my own life, but most of all, I destroyed Miki. I do deserve to die.

_When angels deserve to die._

I fell to the floor in a weak, sweaty mass. No more crying, no more turning back, past the point of no return.

_Father..._

No more crying.

..._father..._

...no more turning back...

..._father..._

past the point of no return...

_father..._

Now I really am dirty. While Miki was still clean, I would be fine and live with myself as stained woman.

_Father into your hands, I commend my spirit..._

But I can't live with Miki dirty.

_Father, into your hands..._

He wasn't supposed to be.

_Why have you forsaken me?_

A resolve solidifies within the whirling haze in my head.

_In your eyes, forsaken me..._

...and I'm standing at the brink of insanity, driven to the edge...I'm standing on the roof of the building, my feet planted firmly on the edge...I'm not sure how I ended up here, but I find myself not caring. It feels right. I know what to do.

_In your thoughts, forsaken me..._

A cry from behind. I turn my head...Miki, running toward me. Calling for me.

_In your heart, forsaken me._

I give him a smile, while turning my full body to him. He stops, panting. But his eyes are pleading. He knows.

"You were my shining thing. I love you."

His hand reaches out for me, but I hold my arms out a little, close my eyes...

_Trust in my self righteous suicide..._

...and let myself fall.

_I cry, when angels deserve to die._

As I let gravity take me down, down into hell, where I belong, I remember the garden, and the bit of heaven I tasted in my life.

_In my self righteous suicide..._

And I'm there again, Miki and I before our lost innocence, embracing each other as children...

_I cry when angels deserve to die._

...forever.


End file.
